you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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