Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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