he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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