I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
