I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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