Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If I die, sorry about rent.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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