I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think I won the penis lottery.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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