um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
