I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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