then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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