I wish I only lived at night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
