I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
