fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
