my vag is so smooth its legendary
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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