Quick, to the slutcave!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
