i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
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