Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
