I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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