All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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