I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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