You smell like a Billy Joel song
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
