I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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