youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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