somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize