I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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