I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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