phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
