It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
