I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
