I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Randomize
