Umm I'm too high to move.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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