i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
