i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
