Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
