i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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