I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
