i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
