I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
