Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
