Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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