Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
