I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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