i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
