sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
