I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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