holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
