mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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