Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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