i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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