I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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