The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
