Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
