I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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