At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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