I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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