i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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