I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
