What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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